Winter Trees for Valentines

"... the winter trees as they let the wind through, always through."

said Mark Nepo in his interview in Watkins Mind Body Spirit Spring 2016 issue about his book Inside the Miracle.

I've used this image a lot in coaching sessions since reading the interview - often related to relationships with others - which is why I share it today on Valentine's day.

So often in relationships (whether at work, with family, in a loving relationship, or when we're searching for that special one) it seems as if we're more like the summer trees.

I wonder therefore, what would happen if we became more like the winter trees?

The trees

• Summer Trees - are full of leaves, and a strong wind can blow them down as a result of those very leaves.
• Winter trees - with no leaves allow the wind through, and bend with the wind

How we may relate to them

• Summer - head full of 'stuff' - attachments, expectations, judgements, fear, barriers, resistance and control.   
• Winter - flexible and open. 

What will you choose today?

Will you be more like the summer or winter trees? or perhaps autumn or spring make more sense to you * ?

Alison Smith
Landscaping Your Life
Using nature to inspire change inside and out

* Remembering that the power of metaphor is that we each will interpret a metaphor differently. You may therefore find other insights in the summer/winter trees than those shared above. The aim is always to simply get a different perspective on a situation that you require more insight on.

Speaking with confidence

Over the years I've used many different techniques to support clients in building their confidence whether that's speaking or more generally at work. 

One of the more regular contributors to lack of confidence when speaking, however, is what's going on in your head. That is the internal picture you're seeing, or story you're telling yourself, as you prepare to speak and then attempt to speak. 

Imagine for a moment the following landscape (or another that you personally don't like):

Imagine you're there and notice what you notice about how you feel? What's happening in your mind? What about your body? 

Now consider speaking as you hold this image in your mind. How confident do you feel? How easy is it to consider success, achievement and connection to the audience? How easy is to imagine what you want to say. 

For many this picture represents the little voice inside that's saying "you can't do it" "you're not important" "no-one will listen" as your energy plummets and your fight of flight mechanism kicks in, and shuts off access to the part of your mind that knew what to say. 

Now imagine this landscape (or one of a favourite landscape) 

What difference do you notice? How do you feel? What about your body? As you imagine speaking with this image in your mind what happens to your confidence? What happens to your expectation of success? Connection with others?

This image represents the internal cheerleader, the voice that says "go for it" "you can do it" "woooooop" and allows your energy to soar and words to appear effortlessly to convey concisely, and inspirationally, your message. 

The only thing we changed between the two experiences was the picture. I suspect many who have problems with speaking have an image similar to the first in their mind. The key therefore is ensuring the picture in your mind is one that lifts and inspires you, and the negative chatter can't help but be silenced. 

Next time you're in need of more confidence - consider the landscape that you're imagining to represent the situation and change it for a more resourceful one.

NB: You may want to trial a number of different landscapes ahead of time until you find the one that's just right for you. it might also be context specific. With a conversation with your boss needing a different landscape to one for when you're standing up and speaking to a room full of people.

Do let me know how you get on, or call me if you'd like some help +44 (0)7770 538159.

Alison Smith

Landscaping Your life

Inspiring change inside and out

Are your relationships crumbling?

I can't go anywhere without seeing an opportunity for a blog post!

The sandcastle above lasted a minute or two before crumbling. It just needed a little more water to provide the glue that would have kept the sand together for much longer.   

Although, as I'm sure many of us have found, once the tide comes in all that care and attention amounts for nothing as our carefully designed castles topple back into the sea.

So what learning do I take from water that can be applied to communication - personally and organisationally?

• Communication is the glue that holds us together
• Too much communication and we can get overwhelmed
• Too little communication and it doesn't stick
• Communication isn't something you do once - it needs repeating regularly
• Communication little and often is better for absorption and flourishing 

Is your communication too much, too little, or if you'll allow me to mix my metaphors, just like Goldilocks' porridge and just right?

Alison Smith
Landscaping Your Life
Inspiring change inside and out

Do you need to soften them up first

After many days of heat wave the ground, brown from the lack of water over recent weeks, was hit with a torrential downpour today. The problem of course was after so much sun the ground was baked dry and the water could do nothing but sit on the top (as shown above).

It's the same when you water a plant that's been left for too long without water - the water just runs straight through.

The reason is that the soil needs time to soften up. In both instances watering little and often would speed up the absorption of the water and enable it to provide sustenance to the grass or plant roots.

Isn't that what communication in an organisation is like. If you communicate too much at a time then it just doesn't even go in, and you might as well have not bothered.

Alison Smith
Landscaping Your lifeInspiring change inside and out

Talk - don't write

Much of my work involves improving communication so I wondered when I saw this picture what can we take from these bees?

A big warning I suspect that we're often too quick to commit something in writing. How often have already difficult relationships escalated due to a hasty email being sent and the other person misinterpreting what was written?

If you were sending a letter and came to this post box you'd certainly think twice before posting it. I suggest we need to do the same when we send emails. Especially when what we're communicating is important to us or the other person.

Who do you need to pick up the phone and speak to rather than send an email?

Alison Smith
Landscaping your Life
Inspiring change inside and out

Connecting with your audience

We’ve all been there. We’ve sat and listened to someone speak and wished they hadn’t bothered.

Yet we meet them afterwards and wonder who the person was on the stage? The person in front of us is animated, interesting, we believe every word, can engage with what they’re saying and want to know more. We even consider inviting them to speak at a conference until we remember the catastrophe on the stage.

I want to explore something that often comes as a surprise to fellow speakers when I give them feedback and that’s how we use our energy.

I don’t mean energy levels that are addressed through appropriate diet, exercise and sleep. I mean the type of energy we can feel when we walk in the room and can tell it’s a place we want to be or not, or the type of energy that we feel when someone is passionate about what they’re saying. What we do with our energy when speaking has an impact on us, our audience and our message in the same way.

The problem is people often provide more logical and rational reasons for their feedback on our keynote and it often ignores what I believe to be one of the major blocks for many speakers. Feedback is getting closer when we hear:

• It’s not coming from your heart
• You’re in your head too much
• You didn’t connect with the audience
• You didn’t connect with the message
• It just wasn’t you up there
• You looked like a headless chicken
• You were talking AT not TO me

These all arise because of what we’re doing with our energy and our energy is impacted by what’s happening inside us. For example we might be imagining our message is a bullet and the audience feel this as being shot at, or we might have a metaphorical wall around us and the audience experiences this as aloofness or even arrogance. Being aware of the internal representation(s) we have when we’re speaking and ensuring they support our objectives is essential.

Here are a few tips on how to recognise when you might need to take action and some examples of internal representations you might consider:

Grounding

• You know you’ve lost it when: You feel tense and are pacing up and down and can’t stop moving.
• Others know you’ve lost it when: They start to feel agitated and distracted.
• You know you’ve got it when: You feel as if you have all the time in the world.
• Others know you’ve got it when: They are calm and feel the power of your words.
• Internal representation/metaphor to consider: Anything that grounds you – often from the feet e.g. roots, heavy boots (not wearing them - unless they match your outfit - just imagining you've got them on), anchor etc.

Connection

• You know you’ve lost it when: You feel isolated from the audience and may even start to panic.
• Others know you’ve lost it when: They start talking to each other and are not paying attention to you.
• You know you’ve got it when: You feel like you’re talking to your friends.
• Others know you’ve got it when: They feel included in a discussion with you.
• Internal representation/metaphor to consider: Anything that provides a connection with the audience - often from the heart e.g. tracks, golden chains etc.

Communication

• You know you’ve lost it when: You can’t remember what you are going to say next.
• Others know you’ve lost it when: They feel confused and don’t understand what you’re saying.
• You know you’ve got it when: You find the right words easily and effortlessly.
• Others know you’ve got it when: They can’t wait to hear what you have to say next.
• Internal representation/metaphor to consider: Anything that offers and delivers the message – often from the head e.g. light, flowing water etc

You may notice in the examples given that the picture for communication is also very grounding, or that the grounding picture relates to connection. Often once we find and embody the right metaphor grounding, connection AND communication can take place. 


What’s your metaphor and does it work for or against your success?

Alison Smith
Landscaping Your life
Inspiring change inside and out



Pictures copyright my brother :-) Andrew Jones Photography

PS: Do please get in touch if you'd like a coaching session providing energetic feedback on your leadership or speaking. It's likely to explore aspects you've not covered before and could be what's holding you back from truly connecting with others alison@alisonsmith.eu +44 (0)7770 538159